Tuesday, August 09, 2005

Raffy's Roids, The Manning Macarena, and What the WSOP?

Fessing up to a wrong you’ve committed is unarguably one of the more difficult things we all have to do in life. You make a mistake, you own up to it, and you learn from the experience. Or you fabricate a ridiculous lie. That, ladies and gentlemen, is taking the celebrity high road. Nowhere is this trend more apparent than in today’s post-steroid era of baseball.

Raffy Palmeiro did not ever use steroids.

Raffy Palmeiro did not ever intentionally use steroids.

Raffy Palmeiro did not ever have sexual relations with that woman. Er, syringe. Um, blue pill? I’m confused.

Forgive me for my cynicism, but since when is complete ignorance an excuse for misdeeds? Who the hell believes a guy that has no idea how something got in his system? Steroid testing isn’t something that should have surprising outcomes for the testee; it’s not likely that a player was just taking a stroll outside the locker room only to slip, fall, and land on some stanozolol. Did that mustache of Palmeiro’s sprout legs and develop a craving for flaxseed oil? This already reminds me of every episode of “COPS” when a guy gets busted and magically ends up with drugs in his pocket. “Um… that’s not mine. I swear.”

I wonder if Ryne Sandberg ever caught Palmeiro in bed with his wife (i.e. the rumored reason that Palmeiro was traded from the Cubs to Rangers) only to have Palmeiro exclaim, “Holy HGH, how did this vile temptress end up in bed with me? And who took off her clothes!? Speaking of which, where are my clothes?! Where am I? Who am I?!”

Oh, Peyton. In a recent article featured on ESPN.com, Peyton Manning was discussing things that the Colts needed to improve when he threw out this gem:

“We had 37 false starts last season, 31st in the league and those are drive killers.”

Does this surprise anyone? I wonder if they'd have so many false starts if Peyton wasn't busy doing the Macarena while under center. It’s simply amazing to watch his reaction when the Colts get whistled for a false start – Peyton just throws his hands up in disgust and glares at his line as though he's the blameless saint back there. Now, I know that you just broke the single season record for passing TDs, but here’s a thought: maybe you guys would have fewer false starts called if you stopped flapping your arms like a drunken prom queen! Way to go champ, you've confused your own team into killing a drive.

Random thought: Is poker commentator Norman Chad really just the product of a computer programmer? Every time I watch a WSOP event, Chad starts babbling and I immediately think of recent video game versions of John Madden where you get to hear Madden laud players in non descript ways. “Well Lon, this guy just knows how to play poker. He has a good head on his shoulders, and doesn’t usually make bad calls. BOOM! Now that’s big time poker.”

I may have made that last part up. But you get the idea.

Oh, and Lon McEachern could easily be swapped out with the Moviefone guy. “If you know the name of the poker player you’d like to see, press one now. Please enter the first three letters of your request, followed by the pound sign. You have selected ‘Make Norman Chad set himself aflame and stop talking about his ex-wives.’ I’m sorry, that option is currently unavailable.”

Domo arigato, Mr. Roboto, but you’re telling me that ESPN couldn’t find two knowledgeable/human poker analysts to take advantage of the television crack that is poker?


End rant, over and out.

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